Why a blog, why a website, why put something out in the ether of the internet? I’ve gone back and forth and thought a lot about this for probably five years. I feel a deep privacy and desire to be left alone, but I also feel a need to share and honestly, a desire to be recognized. When I say recognized I think I mean have my existence known and to leave a mark somehow. That’s kind of narcissistic, but it’s true. I have an involuntary reaction to that, where I think about how in the grand scheme of existence and the universe, none of us here matter and that I should work towards feeling content with enjoying my own existence for what it is. To not seek affirmation of my existence and importance from others. But then I also feel a desire to create. One can create for one’s own pleasure, but it is so much greater when what is created is shared. At least that’s what I think.
Back to the original question: why a blog?
I think I felt compelled to create and to share and had a desire for a way to organize and put all the things I do and want to do and have made and love, in one place. A lot of this website and this writing and the creating is for me. I want to put these thoughts in my head, my ideas, my plans, my goals, in one place, for me. A little warm orb of hopes and joy and thoughts. This is scary, because it is also a public thing. This thing I care about and that contains so much of me is vulnerable. People can hurt, but also, people can just know how I tick, and that’s almost more scary. But, putting it out into the world is also somehow freeing, and makes it all better. It has also made me continue on this task and urged me to put out a product, so to speak, that I am proud of.
Somehow sharing with the internet is easier than sharing with those close to me. They might get to know too much. My aunt is doing a poetry reading next week. She wrote these poems during the pandemic, and they are about my grandma at the end of her life and how the family took care of her. She is doing a reading open to the public, but also emailed us about it so we can attend if we’d like. That is so brave. I see that as a real thing to aspire to. I’ve shared some of what I create with family, but I don’t feel comfortable about it most of the time. I want to be proud and be excited and want to share. It is strange. Being filled with so many contradictions. I just can’t make up my mind.
So, why a blog? Because I want to. Because it scares me. Because I like a challenge and I like sharing even if I don’t all the time.
I hope you get to read this. It will be scary to post it. Maybe no one will read it, but if I post it, it is a victory.
I can’t help feeling like this is extravagant, but I also think it is true and that I need to say it. Even if it’s just for me.
Warm regards, Ginny